Only My Experience

I can only really speak on my experience. I’m not one to follow politics or current events, and I don’t like to debate. I am no expert on what’s going on between Israel and Palestine, and I don’t feel comfortable supporting either side. All I can write about is my experience as a Jew in Toronto. 

I’ve never felt a strong attachment to Israel the way I know a lot of my friends and family do. I grew up in a Jewish neighbourhood, and Judaism had always been a big part of my life. I went to a once-a-week after school Hebrew program throughout elementary school, celebrated all of the major Jewish holidays as well as Shabbat every Friday night, and attended mostly Jewish summer camps. In high school, I found myself drawn to fighting for social justice, and was president of Human Rights Club and Homeless Relief Club, as well as co-president of Environmental Club. The Human Rights Club was my main baby though. I worked hard preparing each meeting to teach the members about a new issue going on in the world, and brainstormed initiatives. Each week I would create a new Google Slides presentation about a different issue, but I never talked about Israel/Palestine. My high school’s population was largely Jewish, as was the Human Rights Club’s. I was worried how people would react if I took a slight anti-Israel stance. My decision to steer clear of that issue ultimately didn’t matter, as my poorly researched presentations weren’t really making a difference anyway, but it did affect how I would handle any situation where the conflict would be brought up. I supposed I would kind of act as if someone was about to spoil a movie to me: plugging my ears and zoning out. I had no desire to know what was going on there. I knew there would be nothing I could do to change it, and all the power I really had was to cause chaos (the bad kind) at a family dinner. 

This attitude still has not escaped me. The conflict is so complicated and I would never be able to do enough research to feel comfortable speaking on it. Despite how little I wanted this conflict to be involved in my life, the past almost two months have made that desire impossible to be realized. Everyone seems to have taken sides, which is confusing to me. I don’t understand supporting governments over victims. People are not their governments. I can’t understand turning a blind eye to the casualties of civilians just because they were citizens of a place where you don’t like. Again, people are still not their governments.

I had hardly ever noticed anti-semetism before in my life. I grew up around Jews, and rebelling from some of the religiousness that I felt had been pushed on me as a kid, I would joke that I was the most anti-Semitic person I knew. Now, things have totally changed. Anti-Semitic graffiti is seemingly everywhere, posters around my neighbourhood detailing Israelis that have been kidnapped have been torn down, and hate crimes are on the rise. I am very scared to publish this. I’m terrified to just exist.

About two months ago, my Bubbie (grandmother) bought me a small Magen David (Star of David) necklace. It was something I had wanted for a while, and I loved wearing it. It crossed my mind that it may be dangerous to wear it on the subway, but once I got into the building I take most of my classes in, my worries would melt away. Today, there is no way I am wearing it on the subway. I have no desire to be targeted. I won’t wear it to school. I’m not as safe as I once felt. I won’t even wear it to run errands in my neighbourhood, despite our Jewish population. There’s no point in taking the risk. 

I recognize my privilege to be able to take off a small accessory to feel significantly safer, but even without it, the fear doesn’t go away. I sometimes worry on the two-second trip from my house to my driveway that something will happen on account of the association of Jewish households and my street. What if someone sees the mezuzahs on our doors? How secure am I even in my own bed? A lot of these worries seem a bit extreme and perhaps preemptive, but the 200 mg of Zoloft I take everyday doesn't seem to stop them.

For the first time in my life, I don’t feel surrounded by Jews. I know less Jewish people at my school than the fingers on my hand. I have great friends and nice acquaintances, but it’s pretty clear that to some of them, I’m the only Jew they know. I know that a lot of my peers view this conflict through a very different lens than me, which is understandable. People with different life experiences will handle things in different ways. All I ask is that everyone consider the feelings of those around them. Consider the fear, the hurt, and the grief. Please reassure your Jewish friends that no matter your stance on the conflict, you support the Jewish community. Please understand that there is a difference between being Jewish and supporting the actions of the Israeli government, and there is a difference between being Palestinian and supporting the actions of Hamas. 

It would be easy to conclude this letter asking for people to support peace. That’s what I want to do. Ultimately, as I stated in the beginning, I don’t know enough to be able to do that. All I can ask is for everyone reading this to be kind to the people around you no matter what their views are on this issue. Please do what’s in your control to make everyone feel safe.